In our last article, we talked about having an existence, a self to share with others. We should never be a doormat for anyone and should always have a healthy degree of self-love. However, there are individuals who take self-love to the extreme. They are really selfish people often referred to as narcissists.
Selfish, self-centered people are everywhere. They are only happy when they are getting everything they want, when they want it, and how they want it. Your pain, your setbacks, your problems are just that. They could care less about you and your issues. You obviously missed the memo. It’s about “them and not you.” When you get a clear understanding about how this particular relationship works, you might be rewarded with some small ration of love doled out just to keep you hanging on.
Maybe you’ve dated or been married to someone like this. Selfish people can make your life hellish. They try you, test you, accuse you, and beat you down emotionally and mentally every chance they get. Sometimes, it can get physical. These are narcissists of the extreme kind. They are not happy and maybe they’ve never been happy. Unfortunately, those who decide to have a relationship with them end up unhappy as well. Whew!! It’s too much.
Narcissists are control freaks who want to possess all the light in the universe – the light from the sun, the moon, the stars, and, yes, from you. If you are a happy go lucky type with a certain element of joy surrounding you like a halo, you might just be a magnet for the narcissist. They are on a mission to break you down and control your life. Below are just a few characteristics that entice narcissists:
- People who are impressive in some way, either in their career, hobbies, and talents, their friendship circles, or family.
- Someone who will make the narcissist feel good about themselves, through compliments or gestures.
- Anyone who will reflect well on them in the eyes of other people.
- Someone who validates their feelings overlooks their flaws, and who isn’t likely to leave them during the narcissistic abuse.
Do you see how the end game is really all about them? The fact that you are allowed to breathe in the same space with them is about as good as it gets. You might be the embodiment of any other man or woman’s dream, but the narcissist only sees you as an object/item, trophy, possession, or statue to serve his or her benefit.
For example, a man or woman who dreads the idea of being single because it doesn’t seem normal (to society) will always have someone on the “hook” to become a wife or husband. They have a strong need to look “right” to the world which is rather sad. They are usually married multiple times before they expire because the novelty can only last for so long with them. Imagine ADHD on steroids. They get bored easily and always need someone new to keep them stimulated. Makes you wonder why they even go through the motions of getting married. But again, marriage equates to normalcy in their minds. Are you getting the picture?
If you haven’t been deterred yet, did you know that these individuals are incapable of intimacy or depth in their relationship? You will not get too close to them because they are incapable of trusting anyone mainly because they are not trustworthy. They can be braggadocious about their past sexual escapades (or at least they say they were in the past) and then will turn around and accuse you of such behavior. You will be guilty even when you are not guilty. You will have drama when all you wanted was a romantic evening together.
So, how do people get into these relationships and why is it so hard for them to leave these uncaring persons? The dynamics run deep, but there is a lot of psychology going on here that the narcissists seem to be very well-versed in compared to others. Let’s look at some of their techniques and attributes for destruction.
Narcissists are very charming and extremely confident individuals (at least outwardly). They are usually good looking and may work this attribute to the max. You’ll be wondering how did you get so lucky to meet this person of all the men or women on the planet. Trust me, it’s not an accident. They scoped you out before they hooked up with you. The only person who will be surprised by the interest is you. Then you can get ready to be love bombed to the nth degree. Nothing will be spared – dinners, walks in the park, hours on the phone (endless hours on the phone) and even some travels. Your head will be in the clouds for a while. This is why the flip side of the relationship is really hard for decent people which most victims of the narcissist are.
By the time these self-centered, drama kings/queens get through acting out, you will be most familiar with the sun, moon, and stars because you will not be getting much sleep. Suddenly, you are not nearly as amazing as they first said you were. Many things need improvement for them to cut you some slack. You are wondering when did you get to this point and who is this person who is wreaking havoc in your world. The answers will not come quickly, but you will begin to see the light.
For those who don’t mind giving up the facade, it will be refreshing to pack your things and get out of the hostile environment. You may be asked to stay, but it will not be from a good place or because they care about you. It’s simply a way for them not to look bad in front of family and friends. Selfish, selfish, selfish!!!
Again, when were you ever a consideration in this relationship and why are you here? If you cannot answer those questions honestly, then don’t bother. Just step away from the madness and take some time to collect yourself. You may initially want to bash yourself with a lot of negative statements like how you should have known better and all those red flags that you ignored, but don’t do that. You are a human being with a heart which is more than you can say about a narcissist. They are a team of one – themselves. Your empathy and care for others is more than these guys deserve.
The idiom “you get as good as you give” reminds us that narcissists must be bankrupt in their relationships because if they’re only giving pain and misery, they can only be reaping pain and misery. Something inside of narcissists defies good sense or therapeutic and/or spiritual counseling interventions to address their inner demons. They feel that they are much too clever for that. As a matter of fact, they are in a permanent state of denial about their behavior. They project all of their bad deeds onto others which leaves them free to continue driving people insane with little or no empathy.
Are you exhausted yet? Do you really want to be involved in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you, your ideas, your boundaries or anything about you? In addition, their neediness is so extreme that you have little left to share with others or even to take care of yourself. Relationships that are going to grow and develop into something wonderful years from today must be built on mutual respect, care and concern for the other person. It can never be just about you.
So, one takeaway from this article is that we are all a little narcissistic. But, not to the extremes of those with deeper emotional personality issues. Should you find yourself involved with mean, vicious, and selfish people, check them out on the narc radar. If you find that they have you feeling a little crazy, start putting some plans together to either work through it or come up with an escape plan. It takes two to make a relationship work and every man and woman must do his or her part.
To find out more about narcissists, click on some of the links below: