Love and Other Emotions

“I saw her walk through the door and immediately I knew I had met my wife.”

“As he worked on my damaged garage door, my heart began to beat so rapidly that I thought I would faint. I can’t stop looking at him or thinking about him.”

“Okay, Linda keeps calling me and I’m trying to get over Tina. Maybe we’ll give it a try to see if I can get Tina out of my head. After all, Linda is rather shapely and attractive which would really make Tina jealous, hee-hee-hee.”

Pretty much everyone wants love in his or her life. Many will go through great extremes to make sure that some form of love is always around. The question is “Is it really love that you are experiencing or something else?” How do you know when it’s love, lust, obsession, or a rebound relationship? Men and women are too quick with labeling certain feelings and emotions under the category of “LOVE.” It’s understandable, but sometimes the assessment is totally wrong.

Real love develops over time and is a journey versus a fly-by-night event. Trust and intimacy, two byproducts of love, are earned through a slow simmer so that all the flavors are evident in the final dish.

When the butterflies and infatuation disappear, people often give up on their relationships. But true love is the commitment and even the discipline that contributes to the relationship’s survival. We’re not talking about the romantic type of love even though romance is a great ingredient for love. But true love endures even when the romance has gone dormant.  We’re talking about love built on a solid foundation and strong enough to endure many storms. In spite of the physical and emotional challenges, you’re stuck like Chuck and not even thinking about leaving your mate.

The examples you read in the first three paragraphs may eventually become love, but for now we’ll call them what they really are.

First, we have lust which is such a strong feeling that you just want to hurry up and give it the name “love.” It’s not! It is an intense and sudden attraction to somebody you hardly know. The attraction starts out with a “BAM” and you’re suddenly knocked out from a blow you never saw coming. Don’t worry. Short of a miracle, if this person lacks good conversation or possesses standards that you value they will be toast in no time at all.

Lust feels like love because it consumes you. You are mesmerized without really understanding why. You’re on cloud 45 and it doesn’t seem like you’ll be coming down in this lifetime. But lust is really a fantasy whereby you want to be with this person every second of every day. Unfortunately, lust happens early in the relationship before much is known about the two individuals. Once the electricity wanes, the relationship has a short shelf life because physical attraction alone will never be the glue for a solid relationship.

Second, there is obsession. Obsession occurs when you meet someone that you like and you can’t stop thinking about them. Women may start planning their “mental” weddings while men imagine all kinds of ways that their luck has changed with this “movie star” on their arm. Obsession is usually a total mind concept, not a reality. Most things desired from the object of your obsession will never happen which makes dwelling on them more intense.

Of course, this is not healthy and certainly one-sided. The dependency that evolves from obsession keeps the obsessor on a leash while the obsessee is rarely aware of the other person’s existence. This is a sad situation and must be dealt with. After all, you deserve some real love.

Last, but not least, is the rebound relationship. It is usually a band aid for some previously failed relationship. The rebounder starts a new relationship very quickly with someone new to help get over an old love. Rebound relationships are not about love, but a way for the rebounder to avoid loneliness.

The two individuals participating very much want this relationship to be love, but as stated earlier, true love takes time. The rebounder basically needs the security of being part of a couple and finds life unbearable without it. They are not over the old love, but will work hard with the new person to bring about some magic. Over time, the relationship may gel. But more often, the rebounder emerges stronger with time and realizes that he or she is really not in love and is ready to move on.

Like anything else, make the best choice for you when and if you decide to date the rebounder. Some individuals love themselves too much to be a part of a rescue squad. Others will take a chance and hope that the individual will recognize that they have met a really good person in due time. Good luck with that.

Hopefully, this article has tickled your thoughts about your current situation. It is exciting if you two have truly found love. But if you haven’t, that’s okay. Just exercise care and settle for nothing less than true love!!!

Cheers!!!

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7 thoughts on “Love and Other Emotions

  1. Hi Jvenable18,
    Thank you for opening up this discussion. I can relate to this topic as some of this does cover my current situation. I believe both of us (he and I) would agree that we are experiencing true love and not lust, obsession or rebounding from a relationship. While we have been together for 5 months, we know we our love is authentic. We have been on a journey and developed our love through real communication/conversations and share like values and long term goals. We have also had some major storms. I admit that because I was unaware that I was in a moment of singleness during an situation and should have been more attentive (woke)/respectful to his feelings/ needs and my nonchalant and incomplete responses to his questions regarding my past have caused these storms. Although nothing I did nor stated was intentional nor manipulative, none of it was right. Because of these storms that I caused and the extreme hurt that it has caused him, we are currently not together.. It has been extremely difficult for the both of us to be away from each other. We are trying to approach this as building the friendship up and then moving back to the relationship again. Because he is very inquisitive and the need for me to now be very complete with my responses , occasionally our times together can become tense. Yes, I made some bad judgement decisions in the past due to the lack of self worth I felt at the time, allowing my faux relationship mate(s) to be disrespectful to me and be mentally and sometimes even physically abusive. Because of these things, I felt embarrassed to reveal information to him because he is completely opposite of all the men that have been in my life. FYI People, never ask nor reveal any part of your past to your mate if it is not relevant to your current or future relationship.
    My question to you Jvenable18 ā€“ is there such a thing as a break in a relationship after the age of 40? This has been very emotionally challenging for both of us.Sometimes it feels like a rollercoaster.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Cclass, thanks for your comments to the post “Love and Other Emotions.” I can’t tell you how many young men and women have talked to me about this topic. I’m glad it resonated with so many.

      In response to your question, it seems like it might have gotten off to the wrong start since so much turmoil is happening so soon. It seems like too much time and energy was invested too fast. Do you think that you had time to actually develop a rich and meaningful relationship that soon? I’m not saying you can’t but based on the amount of turmoil you’re experiencing already, is this your soul mate or just someone that you like (obsession)? It’s important to understand that if the friendship takes place first, you can detect if a relationship has possibilities between the two of you. Otherwise, you may be involved with the wrong person and that’s okay. Regroup and take a fresh approach with someone new.

      Try this. Give your relationship the litmus test: Is the person you care for pursuing you or are you pursuing them? I often tell women that the true sign that the man is in his proper place is that you will see him initiating more activities and opportunities to see you, not the other way around. Too much pursuit from a woman screams desperation/neediness and it can also with a man. A relationship needs balance, boundaries and time to develop. But most of all it needs both people caring about the longevity of the relationship.

      I hope that answers your questions to some degree, and age is really irrelevant. Your ideal mate will show up when you are where you need to be no matter how old you are. There is an evangelist that our family knows who met her spouse at 50. One thing she said that stayed in my mind: “she was not looking.” She was enjoying life, traveling and doing ministry. That’s what a lot of people aren’t doing – living on purpose instead of waiting for something that has nothing to do with their destiny.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Jvenable18, thank you for the great advice and answering my question(s). I will definitely keep your suggestions and advice in my thoughts and during my actions. Your comments on living on purpose has really resonated with me. Thank you!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Loved this one! Very relevant for me. Question: if I tend towards the obsession or lust side of things with guys, how can I break that habit & make a switch to being more friends first then see if a relationship is appropriate or not?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, C. Always good to see your visits to the site.

      When I read your question I sensed a certain idealization of men. For some reason you have made them your priority and not put them in a normal place in your life. Obsession and lust equal idealization and a low value of yourself which I find hard to believe. You may want to look at two things. You can break a habit by doing things just the opposite of what you’ve been doing. Please keep in mind that men are hunters and they desire a prey that is somewhat difficult to attain through the regular “hunting expedition.” In this instance your are not playing hard to get; you actually take time to make yourself the priority – the jewel and the man will value you so much more. All single women should be protecting their jewels as opposed to seeing how high they can jump to please the man. He will not be impressed unless you signed on as a freak. On the other hand, if you are a woman of standards -a godly woman, many men will stop being that interesting to you even if they look like a movie star. Put men in a human form, not that of a god. They get dirty, snore, have bad breath and ugly habits just like anyone else. So, why do we put them up on this cloud? Please let the next man you meet be humanized. Slow down and don’t worry about anyone getting away. The man that is for you will find you to be wonderful just the way you are. Pray. NO, really pray and seek God about your shortcomings and hunger for a man. What if he never sends the man. Will you still love Him? I’m a firm believer that when God has first place in your life, everything else will fall in place. Rest, breathe and believe God for all the things that really matter to you and He will give you the desires of your heart in Him. It may get a little lonely sometimes, but find exciting ways to fill your life which includes learning to be by yourself and enjoying your own company. Read spiritual books about men, women and relationships. Start getting knowledge so that you can excel as “the woman.” Proverbs 31 is a good place to start. Keep doing the work because you are a winner!!!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Wow this was very much appreciated šŸ™šŸ»šŸ™šŸ»šŸ™šŸ» You hit on exactly what I needed spot-on & Iā€™m super grateful!! Thank you so much! I plan to put this into practice. This was so helpful!

        Liked by 1 person

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