You Are Not How You Look, What You Do, or What You Have

  • “As fine as I am, he’d better hope that I will continue to deal with his jacked behavior.”
  • “I make six figures, come from an affluent family, look like a dream, drive and dress the best. Women better understand how lucky they are to be in my presence.”
  • “Yes. I am God’s gift.”
  • “Honey, I didn’t study this many years to get my PhD just to have this bus driver stalking me for a conversation.”

Interesting. There is a great deal of emphasis being placed on external things in the statements above. Have you ever heard these before? They generally come from people who are extremely accomplished through their own hard work or that of their parents. They equate the physical assets that they bring to a relationship with being their “pull mechanism.” Yes, they may have great hair, great bodies, large bank accounts, and other outwardly indicators of success. But, do they have as much invested internally so that they can coexist in a one-on-one committed relationship?

Unfortunately, in this narcissistic society in which we live, it’s hard to find individuals who are humble, gentle and graceful on an ongoing basis. More often than not, people like to tout their accolades right off the bat when they encounter a new potential love interest. Somehow, they feel that it will make them more desirable, I guess. But how many times have you heard it: “You’re not what you do.” In addition, these individuals sign off on their successes with no credit to anyone including God. They are both arrogant, haughty, and have accomplished everything by themselves. Even the fact that they are beautiful or handsome and come from an affluent home is just more reasons for them to be obnoxious.

Hold up! How much of this can anyone take whether at the beginning, the middle or the end of a relationship? Is this your resume or introduction to who you are? I mean, yes, it’s a beautiful thing to have all or most of these assets, but who are you beyond all this superficial stuff? Obviously, this would have to be answered on a case-by-case basis. But, when we think of relationships that continue to thrive over many years, I am sure the couples will attest that having all these external assets will not get you through the peaks and valleys of a monogamous relationship. Their must also exist some great internal characteristics like patience, loyalty, commitment, empathy, compassion, attentiveness, love (not my heart is beating so fast fantasy love; but, something deeper not based emotions) for the relationship to be successful.

Imagine, you are working like a crazy person so that you and your family can live the American dream. You’ve got the big house, two fine cars, the best clothes and opportunities to travel and do whatever you like. But, because you are so tired most of the time, the spouse or mate suffers from lack of attention from you. They try hard not to complain because you are doing what you do for the family. However, after too much of this alone time, their mind begins to wander on the what ifs and I wouldn’t be hurting anyone thoughts. These thoughts are usually the beginnings of an affair or something detrimental to the relationship. You see, your spouse can’t cuddle up with those granite kitchen counters, immaculate hardwood floors, or the oversize, pulsating tub. No, no, no. These are not flesh and blood things. Unfortunately, many homes have been lost in the throes of trying to have it all without balance.

Add to that, you are not how you look. The visuals that you provide today will eventually begin to fade away. The nice round derriere that you continuously work on with your squat repetitions will become problematic with time giving you the appearance of a flat pancake later on. Those nice taught legs may begin to exhibit spider veins, cellulite or a rubbery, jello appearance. When your mate starts balding in their crown or around their edges, will you still find that the love is there and it runs deep? Is the conversation as fascinating today as it was 20 years ago? After all, we’re talking reality here, not a fantasy. Your mate of today will age in some form; some age better than others. But, we all age. Is your love tight enough to handle these changes? Love, again, is about a commitment, not that butterfly emotional sensation everyone associates with love. So many questions. Do you have good answers for them with your lady in waiting or current spouse?

In closing, our search for love must go much deeper than superficial things that we place so much emphasis. Driving a Bentley is not going to make you a more romantic and attentive partner. It’s just a car. Yes, men and women love their toys and basically like to showcase their accomplishments for all to see. But, if the car is the only “magnet” for attracting and holding on to a relationship, you really don’t have a lot going for you. Your biggest “pull mechanism” is you. Your personality, likes, dislikes, vision, strengths, weaknesses, and character are far more valuable than any trinket. This is not a comprehensive list, but notice that the list does not exhibit anything that does not come from the inside. Why don’t your try introducing the next person you meet to youthe internal and not external you!



6 thoughts on “You Are Not How You Look, What You Do, or What You Have

  1. Awesome post jvenable18.. Relationships would have more of a fighting chance if self assessment of one self was as important as status\appearance.. With all the reality tv shows on that portray surface over substance, real life in some cases imitates the arts (on tv).. Upgrades are not only for tangible items ( such as cars, houses, and larger bank accounts), but also for new (faux) relationships.People get in and out of relationships(marriage), just as easy as they find a new( car,home, etc.). It’s sad state of affairs. But maybe with more quality rhetoric and content like your blog and blog/sites like your so eloquently explain, substance over surface/fluff won’t be the guiding force for romantic relationship.. Again an awesome post.


  2. Another great read! Don’t know how I missed this one. Again, I’m cheering from the stands holding up signs that read “TRUE, TRUE!” It would be easy for me to blame why flashy objects, greenbacks, and labels = LOVE, COMMITMENT, & RELATIONSHIP LONGEVITY, on the Millennial and Gen X’er mentality, BUT it seems to be a societal mentality (not age specific).

    Things are reverse these days, and to me that’s SAD! It’s as if having a good heart, a fluid personality, and offering an open line of communication is the BONUS, while being a “10,” having money, and using that money to acquire materialistic things are the foundation, better yet, the requirement for entering into a relationship.

    In my late teens and the younger part of my twenties any inquires about my ties to a male were responded with “Oh her? She’s my people, that’s my HOME girl.” Was it bothersome? YES! But I look back now and have to laugh because being “just the HOME girl,” was some of the BEST relationships I’ve ever had with men. The respect was there, the “you can call me anytime you need me” was actually true, and the reciprocation of “you got me, I got you” was evident! Thinking about this, I may have actually been treated better than their girlfriends.

    As the “home girl” I wasn’t interested in how they looked, what they did, or what they had. None of us had much because we were all struggling to make it in school and then get integrated into the workforce after school.

    Maybe we need to refocus our mentalities to being that home girl or that home boy. Perhaps the secret is in being friends in order to authentically capture a person. After all the best relationships flourish from friendships!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen to to being friends. It’s the best way to move into the next level of romance. How awesome would it be if more people took time to become friends, then marry their best friend. But everybody’s in a hurry going nowhere fast. Thanks for sharing.


  3. Yes, I hate when guys try to brag about their cars or whatever instead of sharing their heart & personality. I know they think it’s helping but it actually turns me off from them because it comes off as arrogant 🤷🏻‍♀️


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